How to Say How You Feel (And Get Other People to Listen)
Do you ever find yourself frustrated because you can’t seem to get the people in your life to understand what’s important to you and provide you with what you need to have fulfilling relationships with them? It might be that you’re ineffectively communicating, such that you’re not setting up other people to be able to best meet your needs.
One way that people often communicate (that usually doesn’t lend itself to good results) is through passive communication. This communication style usually looks like going along with the flow to be agreeable, not offering your opinions, and avoiding conflict at all costs. Alternately, some people communicate with an aggressive communication style, trying to dominate others and be in control, so that their opinion comes out on top. And of course, there is the sneaky passive aggressive communication style, which can look like snide remarks or thinly veiled criticisms, often an attempt to express discontent without being fully confrontational.
If you’ve ever been at the receiving end of any of these communication styles, you know how frustrating it can be – so why continue to act this way yourself?! Luckily there is an alternative called assertiveness. Assertiveness lives in the happy medium between passive and aggressive, and is the most effective way to communicate.
What is Assertiveness?
Assertive communication occurs when you respectfully and directly tell someone what you are thinking, feeling, and what you need from them or the situation. You are being non-threatening (unlike with aggressive communication) and non-judgmental, while also taking ownership and responsibility for yourself (unlike with passive and passive-aggressive communication). Many people struggle to speak assertively because they have anxiety about coming off as rude or selfish, or they have difficulty saying no to people.
Assertiveness allows us to relate more genuinely to others, and gives you more control over your own life. It can reduce feelings of helplessness and usually makes us feel quite empowered. It can also help you lower your anxiety in asking for important things (i.e., like asking for a raise at work) and can help decrease any feelings of resentment you might hold towards people in relationships where you don’t feel like your needs are often considered or fulfilled.
Steps for Assertive Communication
Learning to use an assertive style can be difficult for some people, but it gets easier over time and with consistent practice. Here is an easy four-step process to help you learn to formulate assertive requests, so that you can get the hang of how it’s done.
1) Describe the situation in neutral terms, without using critical or judgmental words.
Ex: “I’ve noticed that there are usually dishes still in the sink when I come home from work.”
2) Describe how the situation is impacting you. Be sure to use “I” statements of your feelings so that you aren’t attacking or blaming the other person.
Ex: “It makes me flustered and anxious to see the dishes in the sink at the end of the day because it feels like another chore on my to-do list after an already busy and stressful day at work.”
3) Firmly make your request of the other person. Avoid using a tone or language that would convey that you are demanding something from them (that would be more of an aggressive style) and try not to ask it as a question (this can come off as too timid and may not be taken seriously be the other person). Try to be as direct and respectful as possible.
Ex: “I’d like for you to clean your dishes before I get home from work.”
4) Lastly, provide some form of positive reinforcement for the person honoring your request. This could be in the form of a sincere “thank you” or a statement of how their actions would positively impact you.
“It would mean a lot for me if you were able to do this. I feel like I would be in a better mood and much more ready for us to enjoy our evening together if the dishes are clean.”
This is not a foolproof method but can go a long way in terms of building better relationships and managing conflict by not having the situation escalate from the get-go. By telling other people how you feel and trying to work out a new approach to a situation, you are showing respect for both yourself and the other person.
Troubleshooting – Tips for Saying No
A major barrier to assertive communication is that people have difficulty saying no. But remember, if you are unable to say no to other people, you’re not actually in control of your own life! Someone else (or many others) ends up deciding what you do and don’t do.
Before answering a question, think about what your position is. Being assertive is about owning your opinions and taking responsibility for your point of view. You can change your mind if you want to, but don’t change your mind just because someone else thinks differently than you do.
Wait to see what someone might be asking of you before saying yes. You don’t have to do everything you are asked. A key part of assertiveness is setting personal boundaries, which people are not going to know about unless you tell them!
Additionally, there is usually no need to apologize, defend yourself, or have an excuse for saying no to something. Simply saying, “No thanks, that isn’t going to work for me,” is just fine. Everyone has the right to just say no!
If this skill is particularly difficult, an intermediary step can be to practice telling people that you “need to think about it” first. This gives you time to think about what you really want and how to phrase it, and helps to get you out of the pattern of just saying yes automatically.
Like any new skill, assertiveness takes practice. Sometimes a LOT of practice, and in many different situations for it to become a comfortable and normal part of your interactions with others. Important to note is that the other people in your life might not initially respond positively to your new way of communicating with them, but don’t be deterred. They just need time to adjust, and eventually your relationships will be healthier for it.